Leadership Starts with Self-Awareness: Moving from Friction to Flow

Part 2 of our 4-part conversation on shifting our leadership from friction to flow..

Flow begins with you. In this episode of Relationships at Work, host Russel Lolacher talks with Margaret Graziano, culture transformation expert and bestselling author of Ignite Culture, about how ego, triggers, and old patterns affect leadership. Learn why personal awareness is the first step toward flow, and why leaders can’t move their teams forward without first moving themselves.

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Transcript

Russel Lolacher: So let's get into that because we talked right off the bat that it's about us. We, it has to start with us in order for the modeling to continue, in order for setting the, the example that we need for the rest of the organization. Where do we start with us? Like if we're a leader trying to figure out our self-awareness, trying to create, or trying to understand our contribution to friction.

What are, what can we be doing?

Margaret Graziono: First. Hmm. I would take a psychometrics assessment that would tell me, I mean, we offer these, so, but a lot of other people do too. Not only tell me what my strengths are. But where are my blind spots? The, the assessment I use and I'm happy to share it with you. The assessment I use not only looks at your personality, it also looks at your behavior.

It also looks at what you value, and then it also looks at how you see the world. When I understand that, I see the world as people, as obstacles. And I get it through data, I can say, wow, I, I don't wanna see my kids and my family as obstacles. 'cause that's usually. This is where people lie to themself. They think they're different at home.

They're not different at home. When in the divorce court you find out they are not different at home. When the kids are 35 years old, you find out you are not different at home. Or you, or you're estranged from them, right? So, so an assessment. There's also something called the saboteur assessment. It's through positive intelligence.

You can go online, positiveintelligence.com/ saboteur and you can find out how your strengths are being overutilized. So collecting in all change, the first step is a willingness. The second step is collecting sound and current data. Dr. Marshall Goldsmith wrote a book called What Got You Here, won't Get You There.

We have every person in our deep alignment retreats read that book. Halfway through the book, there's a list of behaviors that estranged people to you, behaviors that keep you separate, behaviors that create this dualistic of us versus them. You read that book, you go down and you circle all the things that you're doing that are creating separation. So collecting data. Goldsmith also recommends that you interview people. Landmark education and their self-expression leadership course gives you an interview guide it. It's two questions. What about my leadership works? What about my leadership doesn't work? If you wanna do an extra question for extra credit, have I ever done or said anything that has had you feel less than? Another extra credit. What do I do that gets in your way of being and utilizing your genius? So you've got to collect data. Now, when collecting data, understand that when you're interviewing others, everything someone says to you is a reflection of something going on with them. So you have to understand.

But if one person calls you a horse. You can say, eh, they called me a horse. Two people call you a horse. You wanna look in the mirror and see if you're growing ears. Three people call you a horse. You wanna look behind you and see if you're growing a tail. Four people call you a horse. You need to buy a saddle.

Russel Lolacher: You're a horse.

Margaret Graziono: So collecting sound and current data. Then the next step, once you collect the data, is to analyze it and say, what can I fix? What's the lowest hanging fruit in my behavior that I can stop doing? Then you pick five, five behaviors. Then you go back to people and you say, here's the things that I learned.

Here's the five things I'm doing that don't work. I can't change them all. I'm human. It's gonna take me a year to improve one behavior, but I wanna work as fast as I can. Here's the five things. What do you think? What would make the biggest difference? You collect that data, then you pick one behavior with five supporting ways of being that support that behavior.

So let's say I make meetings uncomfortable for people in the one behavior I'm going to improve is my behavior in meetings. I am going to create courage and engagement in every meeting. That's my behavioral improvement. What are the five things I can do? I can start the meeting with a weather report, a check-in.

How's everybody doing? Instead of, how's everybody doing? If you are a boat on the Pacific Atlantic Indian Ocean, what's going on on the seas right now inside of you? People love that. At least, you know, everybody's in choppy waves. We need to calm down. You need to connect with people. So let's just say one of the first things is a check-in.

Another thing is connection. Have everybody share a success. This is just to support, have meetings, put people in a state of courage and engagement. Then whatever you're talking about, your meeting should be one item. Don't interrupt, don't comment when people are talking. That's another behavior. Give people space, acknowledge them at the end.

I don't know. For everybody it'll be different, but if you wanna improve one behavior, you need five leading indicators that show people you are changing and then you check in with them, how do I do this week? Thumbs up or thumbs down. Marshall Goldsmith has a great process. We'd add a lot more to that and we have the coaches support.

But let's go back to something you said earlier, leadership development. What you don't do is throw someone in a leadership development course and here's why. I'm gonna learn all these things that I should be doing. All of that is icing, plopped on a poo poo pie If I've got some basic fundamental flaws in how I work with people. And we all have basic fundamental flaws. All of us are flawed. Human beings are flawed. So maybe I'm too nice. Maybe I talk too much. Maybe I'm a nervous Nelly. Maybe I'm too controlling. Maybe I'm too aggressive with having to win at all cost. Maybe I'm not realistic. Maybe I, I seek approval. I mean, I have another CEO I'm working with... nice person. They tell everybody what they wanna hear. And they never make decisions that's just as toxic as the other stuff because then people don't trust them. It's the, the 12 ,faces of Sybil. Like, who am I gonna get today? So personal awareness, self-awareness. Number one thing to start with, if you really want change, if you're serious about change, and then I would either hire a coach or do a large group self-awareness immersion like the Hoffman Process or the Landmark Forum or Pathways or Sigh or Lifespring, they're, they're out there. And it's an immersion, whether it's seven days like the Hoffman, or three days like Landmark, where you examine what's behind your personality, what are the undercurrents of what's going on, what's remnants from childhood that you are projecting and reflecting on people in the workplace.

This is the work that needs to be done across the board before you even do a strategy session. That's why at my company, we do deep alignment first, which is where we learn about responsibility, we learn about ego, we learn about projection, reflection, and we learn. That the way we're showing up at work is impacting our entire life, and we're lying to ourself if we say we're not, and then we create the future.

You don't create the future on top of a poo poop pie.