Expectation vs. Reality: Leading When Leadership Is Missing

When we show up to work, we bring expectations—with how we’ll be treated, how we’ll grow, and how we’ll be led. But what happens when the person responsible for our development… isn’t really a leader at all? In this solo episode of Relationships at Work, host Russel Lolacher unpacks the frustration that comes when leadership expectations crash into the reality of untrained, unresponsive supervisors. He offers tangible advice for how employees can lead up when support is lacking—and how real leaders can better manage the expectations placed on them by staying curious and communicative. Because not every manager is a leader, but every leader has the opportunity to rise to the challenge.

And connect with me for more great content!

• Sign Up for R@W Notes
• Subscribe on Youtube
• Follow on Linkedin
• Follow on Instagram
• Follow me on Threads
• Follow on TikTok
• Email me anytime

Transcript

Welcome back to Relationships At Work – Your leadership guide to building workplace connections and avoiding blind spots..  I’m your host Russel Lolacher

I’m a communications and leadership nerd with a couple of decades of experience and a heap of curiosity on how we can make the workplace better. If you’re a leader trying to understand and improve your impact on work culture and the employee experience, you’re in the right place. 

This mini-episode is a quick and valuable bit of information to help your mindset for the week ahead. 

Inspired by our R@W Note Newsletter, I’m passing on to you… 

The Frustrating Expectations of Leaders

When we go to work, we have expectations about our experience—what we want to happen and how we want to be treated. Some of the most common expectations we have include:

·       Respect

·       Work/life balance

·       Growth and development

·       Appreciation

·       Trust

·       Safety—both physical and psychological

Of course, this list could be much, much longer, depending on our roles and personal values. But when it comes specifically to leadership expectations, I’ve had some recent conversations where employees expressed very clear ideas about what they expect from their leaders:

·       Transparency

·       Honesty

·       Consideration

·       Care

·       Action

·       Communication

The problem? Many of those in supervisory positions aren't actually leaders. They’ve never been trained to be. So when employees set expectations for them, and those expectations aren’t met, real frustration follows. 

Employees see leaders who are too busy, unresponsive, withholding crucial information, or failing to prioritize their team. This creates a difficult situation because employees assume that the people responsible for their growth and well-being are leaders—when, in reality, they aren’t.

I spoke with one employee who had spent over two years trying to engage with their boss—attempting to build understanding and open communication—only to be met with silence. They felt undervalued, placated, or outright ignored. My advice? Start looking for another job. That’s tough advice, especially when the employee loves their work and has innovative ideas. But we can’t turn people into good leaders simply by wishing they were. Leadership is a choice, and they have to make it for themselves.

And when I say “employees,” I include leaders in that too. Many emerging leaders with valuable insights and contributions are muted or minimized because they, too, lack strong leadership above them. So how can we, as leaders, navigate the expectations placed on us while also managing our own expectations of those we report to?

The Question: How do we manage expectations as leaders?

The Action(s):

As an Employee, Lead the "Leader"

When our so-called "leader" proves they aren’t actually leading, it’s time to be realistic and take control of the situation.

·       Clarify What’s Within Our Leader’s Control​
Trust isn't just about assuming someone will support you—it’s also about recognizing when they won’t. Understand what your manager can and cannot do for you.

Example: Career growth—Define your career path and identify how your manager can be useful along the way. Can they introduce you to someone more helpful? Will they approve a course that aids your progression? Even if they aren’t a mentor or champion for your growth, they can still be a resource.

·       Communicate Instead of Assuming​
Rather than assuming our managers don’t care, we need to take initiative and ask for what we want.

Example: Feedback—You feel your boss should provide more feedback, but they rarely do. Instead of assuming they don’t care, request a regular check-in to discuss your performance and goals. You can even propose the structure of these check-ins to ensure they benefit your career. After all, they haven’t exactly taken the lead on it.

As a Leader, Get Curious

If we aren’t feeling connected to our teams or don’t fully understand their expectations, it’s time to get curious.

·       Proactively Ask Employees About Their Needs​
Instead of assuming what employees expect, leaders should ask thoughtful questions to uncover what truly matters to their team.

Example: We might assume employees prefer autonomy, but some actually crave more guidance. Ask questions like:

✔ “What’s one thing I could do differently to better support your success?”​
✔ “What kind of feedback or guidance is most helpful for you?”

By regularly having curiosity-driven conversations, we create space for employees to share expectations that might otherwise go unsaid.

·       Be Curious About Employee Assumptions​
Employees carry their own unspoken expectations—sometimes unrealistic or shaped by past experiences. Leaders should explore these assumptions to align expectations and avoid any miscommunication.

Example: A leader notices their employees expect instant email responses, leading to frustration when that doesn’t happen. Instead of ignoring the issue, we can get curious and ask:

✔ “What are your expectations for response times, and what would be most helpful for you?”​
✔ “Have there been times when delayed responses created challenges for you? Let’s discuss how we can balance responsiveness with focused work.”

This curiosity-driven approach allows us as leaders to clarify boundaries while addressing the real concerns behind employee expectations.

By aligning expectations on both sides, as employees and as leaders, we can create a more effective and less frustrating working relationship—one that’s far better than a relationship that pushes employees out the door because their “leader” is a lost cause.

We aren’t those types of leaders and need to show we’re not.